November 28, 2011.
Down 118.5 lbs.
Finally bought a pair of jeans and put them on.
They don’t look great but they look better than I thought they would.
Still unsure about life, but I’m getting better.
Realizing that all the food I was stuffing in my mouth was to make me numb.
Same with the alcohol.
But numb me from what?
Lost youth, lost love, lost passion?
All of that and more?
Feeling some feelings so intensely, all I do is cry.
All the damn time.
Fake a good smile.
Fake a good life.
Fake a good heart……
But my heart isn’t good, or so I think….
Wish I didn’t have to feel for just a day.
So instead I run.
I smile, I fake it, I keep muddling through.
Don’t have control so I control the only thing I can.
Food, and exercise.
Therapy isn’t far away…
What’s my identity without the fat?
Pray all the time…
Beg God for forgiveness, to stop the hurt, the uncertainty.