I know you all think this is going to be a great post about Empty Next sex. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this story is about the fight for space in our queen sized bed. Roger and I as you know have lost 246 lbs. in the last 18 months. As our sizes have decreased so has our need for so much space in bed. Unfortunately our dogs have compensated for the extra space and moved on in.
Roger Darling’s dog, Freddie the Fucker, must sleep on his pillow. Between us. My dear husband has to sleep on his side with his ass hanging out of the blanket in order to sleep. Sausage Dog, Heidi Jo Jo must sleep between us. Sideways. She makes the major decision before settling down for the night just who’s body she needs to sleep on. It could be my left hip. It could be Rog’s legs. Or on special occasions she’ll root around, crash into Roger’s crotch, and land right on his “Boys”. Then it’s Dashel the Shithead’s turn to find his spot. Which is usually my right hip with a paw draped over me. It leaves me pinned by Heidi and Dash. I have to lay in a stick straight position like a strawberry Twizzler.
After we settle in, I read for a few minutes. Roger immediately crashes and falls to sleep. He has learned the hard way that if he sleeps too close to me, I may just slap him in my sleep. Or stick my finger up his nose. Do not ask me why I do this crazy shit in my slumber, because honey I don’t know. That’s like asking me why I do crazy shit when I’m awake. There’s no plausible explanation for it.
At 5 am like clockwork, Freddie the Fucker decides it’s time to go outside. He would never think to jump on Roger Darling. Nope. He has to use my tummy as a springboard. Then the rest of them follow Roger outside. Five minutes later everybody has to settle back in again. Heidi Jo Jo has to bring a toy with her though. Usually it’s a pink flamingo squeaker toy. She lays on my pillow, bites down and squeaks her damn toy in my face. I scream, throw the toy across the room, and tell her to shut the fuck up! We then drift off for maybe a half hour and then the day begins. With us getting ready for work and the puppers running the household.
We love our dogs. We love our bed. And we love each other. We’ve learned that sex in the afternoon while the dogs are awake is so much more practical. And it’s kinda fun doing the dirty dirty in the daylight anyway.