We are NOT our Daughters, Our Daughters are NOT Us

A daughter is a mother’s gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self.  ~Author Unknown

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.  ~Oscar Wilde

When Meggie was a teenager, it was never my intention to live vicariously through her. Try as I might it did happen on more than one occasion though. It happened with competitive swimming, with music, with boyfriends. School work too, I’m sure. I saw her, this gorgeous and viable young woman. I wanted everything for her. I wanted her to do everything I didn’t when I was growing up. If she wanted to pursue a new endeavor, Roger Darling and I did our very best to ensure that she got the chance to do so.

She is such a beauty. She looks like Kate Hudson. I saw boys swarm around her like bees take to honey. I didn’t understand it. She looked exactly like me. Acted like me. How could it have been so easy for her to attract attention from young suitors, but I had to work hard for every boy that I wanted to date. Except for Roger Darling, that is. He was always a good one for me.

I never tried to push her to date a certain guy. Well, I take that back. I tried a couple of times. One was with her BFF, M. He’s one of my “other” sons. I love him like he’s mine. I guess he sorta is mine. Rog and I think of him as one of our family. He’s blonde, beautiful, and loves my girl like no other. But there was no more feelings  for her other than best friend love. And though it was hard for me to deal with, I had to let go of the hope that her true love would be her BFF, M.  He is going to be her Man of Honor at her wedding in December. I think that’s pretty damn cool. I don’t know what it is about she and I. We like being friends with dudes. I think it’s easier sometimes. Less hormones to deal with.

I did want her to date another guy, A. But only because I knew he was going to be rich when he was all grown up. They’re BFFs too. Now that he’s done with college he is well on his way to great success. Oh well, she’s found the love of her life, and he climbs and trims trees for a living.  The boy is super damn smart and looks like Eddie Vedder. He’s got a bright future ahead. I worry about her getting married at the age of 22, but she’s a determined sort. She’s like her momma in a lot of ways. God help her future husband. He’s in for a rough ride, that’s for sure.

I have found that Meg has done so much more in her life than I have. And she’s only 22. I told her just because she’s getting married, it doesn’t mean that she can stop pursuing life. She is to get her ass out there and hustle. Do what she wants before she has babies and settles down. Find hobbies, and do them. Travel, sing, write, hell, whatever she wants. Sometimes I want to be her. But then I have to remember that this is her time. My life is not hers, and her life is not mine. We must love and respect one another. And we do. I love that she has my free spirit. I couldn’t be more proud of her. She is an amazing young woman. She will continue to do great things.

Though I’m older than her, I’m still pursuing life. Trying new things. Becoming more me than I have been, in years. It’s partly because of her. Because of my girl. She’s taught me that it’s never too late. It’s never, ever too late.


13 thoughts on “We are NOT our Daughters, Our Daughters are NOT Us

  1. And though you are not the same with my mom I feel she also wishes the same for me as her daughter. Thank you for letting me read the “unspoken words” of my mother 🙂

    • You are very welcome honey. I hope that all mothers feel this way. We can’t live for you, but we want the very best for you. We want more for you. My daughter is an over-achiever and she always will be. I’m sure you are too. Keep working at your relationship with your momma. Talk to her. Tell her your hopes and dreams. She’ll cheer you on. I know she will.

      • Yes. She’s been with me through my toughest times. I love her so much. She supports me in everything I do (even in being an ass). Now that she’s having a hard time of her own, it pains me to see her that way but I’d like her to know that I would always be with her too.

        I too hope mom’s feel this way too. Thank you for putting the words together Renee. It made me cry.

        Congratulations on your daughter! I am sure she will be living a happy life. 🙂

      • I didn’t mean to make you cry honey. But if you felt something that’s good. I’m sorry times are tough for your mom now. I pray they get better for her and for you. Take care sweetheart.

    • Oh honey I try. I’m flawed just like anyone. I work hard to make my children free to make their own decisions, and their own mistakes. They are the two best things I’ve ever done in this life. They are my whole life.

      • I’m not a mother – but I think letting your kids make their own mistakes, makes you a good mother 🙂 The only way you can learn is by making mistakes…Sounds like you love them very much 🙂

  2. I so enjoyed reading this. Congratulations for your girl, and you gaining a son who looks like Eddie Vedder! Woot! Hee hee

    I learn so much about myself through my kids. I have three, twins who are seven and one who just turned six. It surprises me how much I have learned with them being so young. I embrace it though. No telling what lessons I will be learning in the teenage years! Yikes!

    I know my girl is only seven, but I already see myself in her in many ways. I enjoy the mix of me, her dad, and her own special qualities. I was afraid to have a baby girl because I thought I would not be able to relate to her. (I do much better with guy friends too. :-)) I have discovered we relate very much, too much sometimes because I hear/see my “attitude” coming out of her. I cannot help, but laugh.

    Oh, how I can’t wait to make grand mistakes for them to point out. Lol!

    It sounds like your daughter has been guided into a very fruitful future from her own strengths, AND from you! May she be blessed greatly with an amazing future!

    • What a great comment! Thanks so much for it. Honey my kids became their own persons the day they were born. It was not up to me to make them what I wanted. It was up to me to guide them to be incredible, strong willed, voracious creatures. I think I’ve done that. My husband has done that. We wanted them to have everything, but to earn it too. To be humble. I don’t know how many times I had to tell Meg when she was growing up to be humble. Humility is important. People do not like arrogance. They like confidence. Honey you are going to make mistakes. I’ve made TONS of them. I still do. But they know I love them. That I have their best interest at heart. That I want nothing but the best for them. I root for them every day of my life. Because they are the best thing I’ve ever done in this life. Their success is MY success. Their failure, my failure. Their happiness and their sadness too. Is min. I will take all of it, and cherish it. I will.

  3. Beautifully said. I’m glad I found your blog. This entry hits home with me as I have a similar relationship with my beautiful daughter, which I treasure beyond words. Mine’s a tad bit younger, but we are on our way to letting go as much as we can so she can fly on her own.

    • Beautiful Tracey. We need to make our young girls free so they become strong young women. Of course we have to reign them in every once in awhile. As we have to do for ourselves too. Keep reading honey. I hope you like it here!

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