To write is to live, to live is to write

I live to write. To put pen to paper and make the words come alive. To make you feel my stories with such intensity they make you weep, hope, hate, love, feel. Everything. If I die right now, thats okay. To die with my pen painting a vivid story would be the only way to go. It has not been easy these last few weeks. The pain in the left side of my body has been intense. There’s weakness, aches, creaking and cracking. The nerves in my back and arm are inflamed and pinched. It angers me to be weak. This girl wants to write, run, and swing a hammer. I can’t do anything because my body is rebelling. I’m angry because I feel old. I don’t want to be old. I fear it. The slowing down. The wrinkling. The withering of the mind and body. I do not want it!!! And yet I know it is inevitable. I always thought I’d live fast and die young. Turns out I’m a middle aged writer wannabe. But then I guess it’s always better than the alternative. Death.

23 thoughts on “To write is to live, to live is to write

    • No I haven’t my sweet Alex but I will be sure to this winter. I love you and can’t wait to see you. Say hello to Emma in England for me. And give my love to the country I’m so fond of but never been to. YOU are my heart.

  1. There is a whole lot of us middle aged writer wanabes. Maybe we should start a club? I’m sorry you’re in pain. I know how that is and I feel for you. Keep on writing, if nothing else it’s a ray of sunshine to look forward to.

  2. I am sorry to hear you too suffer daily in pain. I was in a wreck 12 years ago so I too know real pain.
    I spent so many year angry now with yoga I am getting strong slowly but surly
    I will say a prayer for you

      • I went from driving my rig 16 to 18 hrs 6 or 7 days a week to a bad wreck with so many soft tissue injuries I so know what you mean. I slowed down and gained over a hundred and 30 pounds have dropped over 60 so far stay strong

      • Thanks I want my life back enough that as I just got back from Yoga I sit with FF cottage cheese nd Blueberries in front of me Thanks and Congrats you did a lot of Work! I was up to 300 once I met my son and lot and gained 10 pounds for a year now with each week I am feeling stronger emotionally so I have kept 45) off πŸ™‚ Still plugging away last week -4 week before -3 I keep logging what I eat and how much I MOVE lol

  3. I’m so sorry you don’t feel well but it will pass, I promise. You are not old, not even close because if you were I should be out shopping for a plot. It’s an enormous gift that you love to write so much and you’re body will heal so you’ll be scribbling those heartfelt stories for a long time to come.

    • I just know it will pass too. I hate slowing down. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m not the most patient of people. I want instant gratification. Then don’t we all? I hope my new laptop comes in today so I can start pounding away at it. I have a great book in my head, but I can’t hold the pen very long to write much of it down. Well, I don’t know if the book will be any good. It’ll be mine and that’s all that matters. Even if I’m the only one that ever reads it, it will be mine. πŸ™‚ And honey you are not old. I hope I look half as good as you do when I’m in my, er, 40’s. Giggle. Seriously, you’re beautiful hon.

    • I’ve been going to a chiropractor. I’ve now been referred to a spine specialist because I have a severely pinched nerve in my C7 vertebrae. I see him tomorrow to find out what the next step in treatment is. The pain meds and valium help with the spasms and pain, but as soon as they wear off I’m in misery again. I’m worried I will end up having surgery. We’ll see. Thanks for your concern. πŸ™‚

      • I completely understand your misery. I have been living it for the past 3 years with a herniated disc in my back. For a long time I lived on stronger, and stronger pain meds, different muscle relaxants, and NSAIDS, just to find the right combo, and then I did a couple epidurals, and failed attempts at PT. Now that I have insurance, I need sx, and am scared to death of it. And I’m sure you can understand, there is no living with this kind of pain, and these restrictions. Be careful with the chiropractor. My herniation shifted after 2.5 years and it went to the nerve root, and I could have had severe consequences if I continued seeing him, even though the relief was wonderful. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. I have two herniations in my neck, but they don’t seem to aggravate me, thank goodness! Because you know everything I am going through – these physical problems are the last thing I need!!! LOL

      • Sweetheart I’m so sorry for the pain you endure every damn day. I HATE this. I hate the pain. I hate the drugs I hate the nerve spasms. I hate the fact that I can’t focus on my writing. I hate the fact that writing my book has stalled because of the fucking pain meds. I hate, hate, hate it. I hope the MRI that I had today will give the doctor guidance as to what steps to take next. As for the chiropractor, I’m done with that. It didn’t help me expect to relieve the stress in my back. A good massage would do the same. πŸ™‚

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