Shrooms shared with strangers.
Rebellious young woman, aboard a technicolor bus.
Trees are blue.
Sky, green.
Tasting colors and seeing sounds.
Voices come to Melanie like the droning of adults on Charlie Brown cartoons.
Wah, wah, wah, wah….
Nonsense.
Thought there’d be free love.
No such thing.
Everything has a price.
Even sex without that word.
Wanted to be enlightened; intellectual.
Have to get off this bus now.
To go home.
Covered in grime from days with strangers.
Will a hot shower remove the dirt?
Of past, present, future?
Melanie exits the bus.
Extends thumb, to begin her journey home.
100 words/Genre: General Fiction
Thank you Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for hosting Friday Fictioneers. Please be sure to go to her page and read the stories from other writers. We are a rather eclectic group. I welcome kudos and criticism. Bring it on!
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
I Love It LOVE IT, Ms. Renee!!! 😀
This, Oddly Maybe, Made Me Smile Very VERY Much.
It’s A Keeper. 😉
-B.
Thanks for the re-blog my sweet. I’m honored.
You’re Welcome, Dearest.
I Loved It!
-B.
You humble me. Thanks B.
Lovely!!!
Thanks sweetheart.
I liked the disjointed lines of stunted prose — thoughts captured in the mushroom haze.
It was kind of what I was going for. Still not sure what the hell I’m doing Helena. But I think I’m getting it. 🙂
You hooked me with first line, pulled me in and then spit me out at the end. I love when that happens! I really loved this.
My darling, that was the plan. I’m so glad you got it. Thank you!!!
Wasn’t it Ken Kesey who said “You’re either on the bus or you’re off the bus?” (It was one of those drug addled hippies, in any case…. Loved this.
Thank you love for the quote and the love of the story. xoxoxoxoxxoxo
This is really good. A captured moment of a mood which has had its time and now moved on. I love the likeness to the Charlie Brown teacher – excellent image
Thank you sweetheart. I’m glad you liked it. It just fell out of my head this morning.
You know you read the words wah, etc. in that voice didn’t you?
Love, Renee
i love the stories that are delivered pre-packed, it makes our job SO much easier.
HAHA, of course i did 🙂
I wrote them to that sound too. Giggle, snort.
Honey, this is NOT a job. This IS a JOY!
So true! well, mostly its a joy 😉
Till there’s the damn writer’s block!
I admire Melanie’s desire for something more intellectual, only to find out she was looking in such dirty places. I have been in that situation before.
Darling I think we all have been.
Great! There’s some character going on in there. Love it! Good job.
Thank you so much!
Absolutely loved it! Well written, a great flow and highly entertaining! 🙂
Thanks Penny. So much!!
A shattered dream – well written! Nice read!
Thanks much sweetheart. Glad you liked it.
Someone coming to the end of the dream that was turning into a nightmare. Lovely!
Thanks doll. That means a lot coming from you.
You’ve captured a moment in time and did so very well.
Thanks love.
Your story fits the photo prompt perfectly. It has just the right ring to it, brings out the blur and psychedelic feel of it. Loved the line about droning on like Charlie Brown cartoons!
Thanks for your kind comment. I do appreciate it. I’m glad you liked it.
Poor Melanie, so obviously the wrong bus.
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/friday-fictioneers-6282013-transition-genre-fiction-rated-pg13/
Quite a vivid piece. I guess one can be disillusioned with anything, even with reaction to the norm.
Thank you for the compliment. I think there’s disillusionment in the norm, and the not so normal. The grass isn’t always greener.
Love, Renee
Dear Renee,
A slice of history that some of us recall intimately. Very well done. Only one little crit here. “Hippie bus going nowhere fast”. While it’s an apt description, it’s also a cliche. You might consider rewording it. Your call, but something to remember for future reference, particularly in pieces you send to editors. They’re kind of sticky about cliches.
At any rate, it’s a beautifully written piece of poetic prose or free verse. You captured a moment in time with sensitivity and realism. Free love is never free, is it?
Shalom,
Rochelle
Dear Rochelle,
I thank you for your honesty. I do have issues with cliches. I’ll think about how to re-word the sentence, and edit it. You know, I welcome every bit of criticism you give me. Writing for me is like breathing. I want the words to take on a life of their own. For me and my readers. Someday maybe, just maybe a publisher will feel the words too….
You’re right, feel love is never free. As the title states, everything has a price….
Love, Renee
I don’t know why editors are so hard on clichés? In certain situations, especially dialogue, clichés are a natural part of the way we communicate.
Yes it is, but as writers we can not rely on them so much. We need to make sure that we create new quotes, cliches and sayings.
Thanks for the comment.
There we go! Tom Wolfe would be proud m’dear! The Merry Pranksters, too!
Glad you liked it my sweet brother… I do believe you’re right about Tom Wolfe. Giggle.
She gets away. She takes control. Has she had enough? Will she find another bus and once again chase those unobtainable dreams? Part of the journey. I really liked it.
Thanks so much. Glad you liked it.
Love, Renee
You captured a time that many of us are familiar with, and fortunate to live through. I loved the pacing of this piece. It fit well in the presentation of the story.
Thanks so much. I’m glad you liked it. I appreciate your comment.
Free love. Free to give, free to take. A whole generation fell into that trap. Thanks for bringing back some memories. Lovely.
I’m glad you liked it.Thanks for your comment sweetie.
Loved this………….can so easily relate to this
Dee
I think many of us can. It’s all a part of life and learning.
Love, Renee
Very well written, captured an event and an era.
Cool.
Thank you so much my sweet.
Very poignant. Good work.
Thanks my friend for the kudos and the comment.
Dear Renee,
This was pitch perfect. You captured the feel of the prompt, the lure of the road and the end of the ride. Well done.
Aloha,
Doug
Dearest Doug,
Thank you for your kind comments. I did edit one of the lines per our friend Rochelle. She was right that it flowed better after the change was made. I’m glad the story captured your imagination.
Love, Renee
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