Two weeks ago on a Monday morning, depression crept in. The trigger? A jar of pickles I’d bought had expired. There I stood, with the fridge door open and the jar in my hand. The glass cooled my fingers, while hot tears streamed down my face. I placed them in the door and slammed it closed. With my tears wiped, I reapplied my makeup and headed to my office.
Work went fine and I was dealing well with the news that my job had been eliminated. Luckily, I’m guaranteed placement in the new Shared Services Center. I’m not thrilled about it, but it beats not having a job. For some strange reason, I kept thinking about those damn pickles. I continued to lose control of my emotions.
Meggie texted me and asked if we could meet for dinner. We made our plans to go to Benihana. That’s what I needed, food prepared by a silly man flinging extremely sharp knives. Even my son in law Chris would be joining us.
I planned to go visit Adam Boy first to see his new place. He and Claire moved out of Roger Darling’s into a cozy little apartment. Along with their two kitties and Baxter, the wonder Lab. I’d stay and we’d chat. Maybe we’d even recite some lines from Anchorman and laugh. Then I’d take off to see my other kids.
During the first blinding snow storm of the season, I made my way to see Adam Boy. I walked in and was greeted by an overly excited Baxter. I hugged and kissed him. Let him lick my face off. My boy showed me around his place. It was nicer than my little apartment. A tad bigger, and the walls were painted an earthy green.
10 minutes after I got there, my son told me to leave. He shattered my heart. I hadn’t even taken off my coat and barely sat down. I picked myself up, pet the dog and walked out. I cried the entire time it took me to get to my daughter and son in law’s place.
During dinner, Meggie told me I looked like someone had run over my dog. I told her I was fine and we enjoyed dinner. Chris farted the entire time we drove back to their house. I had to roll the windows down so I wouldn’t vomit. He’s hysterically funny, but extremely gassy. I’d venture to say it was because he’d eaten a pound of garlic butter on his food. Egad it was so gross!
In bed that night, I thought about the stupid pickles again. Finding sleep to be elusive, I took a Clonopin. Back under my warm comforter, I counted sheep and tears. I fell off the edge of consciousness into oblivion.
My week progressed as did the darkness in my soul. By Friday, I’d had enough. I wanted to stay home, but Lo Lo wanted me to meet her new guy. We went out dancing, which I usually adore. But my heart wasn’t in it. That Friday was the first time in almost two months I felt like I’d never be with another man. That no one would ever want a woman my age, size, intellect, or a multitude of other qualities. That I either did or didn’t possess.
By the following Monday, I was wallowing in self-pity, but I didn’t drink. After a huge argument with my friend and a shit ton of tears shed, I’d had enough. I crawled into bed and slept like a stone.
The next morning, I awoke and smiled. The dark cloud that had hung over my heart had vanished. I showered, dressed and got ready to leave for work. Before I did, I opened the fridge and removed the expired jar of pickles. After throwing them in the garbage, I locked the deadbolt and made my way out the door.
Hi Renee,
Long time no chat… I’m sure there’s a silver lining somewhere. Hey at least you didn’t eat the damn pickles! I hope you think of something really interesting to do during the holidays, perhaps live out one of the fantasies you write about… something really smutty. Better yet, visit Adam boy more often lol. Take care Renee, hang tough. ♥
Ha! The pickles would have been fine! They just put an expiry date so you will eventually buy some more.
I’m glad your mood eventually lifted. Pickle love can be a fickle thing.
Oh Nick, I know. But I had to throw away the jar, so I could move away the sadness and depression.
It’s usually the little things that trigger this sort of thing.
I’m glad the depression finally lifted!
Thanks dear. It always does. That’s what I have to remind myself when I’m in the throes of it….
Depression has that random way of coming and going without warning doesnt it? Glad to hear you are back on the up xx
I know. Isn’t that funny that it was triggered by an expiry date? So silly, but not. Ya know.
It always gets better. It does…..
It can be triggered by anything, but also un-triggered by anything too. So yes, it always gets better but sometimes its hard to remember that
I know it’s hard to remember Love. I look back at it now and wonder why I cared so much. Why it hurt. I know why, but I can’t write about that. Yet……
(((HUGS)))
Thank you Kayla. I can feel them all the way over here. (((HUGS))) to you. And kisses.
Ah pickles….I would have saved the jar, surely some day there will be something to save in there. Hugs!
You’re right, of course. But seeing the jar would have pissed me off all over again. 🙂
Love, Renee
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Make your own damn dill pickles. Way better than store-bought.
And, um . . . you obviously don’t grocery shop where I do. Just sayin’
The pickles were a metaphor. They started my downfall into depression. But I threw them out and moved on.
The pickles were a special brand made here in the great state of Michigan. Not sure why their shelf life is so short though. 🙂
Love, Renee
Wow. Sounds like a rough time! Glad you’re feeling better though. You don’t seem like the type to be un-shiny! 🙂
I have my moments of being tarnished. But I always bounce back. How are you my good friend?
Love, Renee
Doing better. I had a few dark spell myself this season, due in part to prolonged sickness (just a really long-term flu, nothing serious!). But I’m good now.
I’m so glad to hear that you are better. Get a flu shot sweetheart. 🙂
Any holiday plans?
Oh I did, and did antibiotics, nothing seemed to work. And then I got hit by a bunch of bad news. But the flu is diminishing and I’m getting brighter. I’ve come to believe that if bad things do come in threes, they also clear up simultaneously.
As for us, just hanging out and relaxing, doing some housesitting. You?
I’m sorry that you not only had illness to deal with, but sadness too. I’m so sorry my dear. I pray you are on the mend. Physically and spiritually.
As for me, the holidays will actually spent with the kids and my ex. Seems our relationships are better now that we don’t live together anymore.
Much love to you Matt. Much love.
Renee
You too 🙂