Quoteful Thursday-FDR and Fear

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I wondered if I was going to be gutsy enough to write about the recent goings on in my life. But I’ve been too afraid. For so many years I’ve been ruled by fear. Fear of what others would think about me. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my sanity. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of death. Fear of unemployment. Fear of being a drunk. Fear of being fat. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being found out. Fear of leaving my husband and making him sad. Fear of upsetting and hurting my children. Fear of just about every fucking thing you could think of.

Hell, I can’t even grocery shop without feeling the icy cold grip of fear wrapping around my heart. No, I’m not standing in the freezer section with hardened nipples. I’m trying to slow my thought process down and not be ADHD girl. To be fearless and say I can do the simple task of shopping without crying. I’ve always had Roger Darling to rely on, but not anymore. After 24 years I’ve decided to separate from him. I care very deeply for the man and we’ve had a good life, but it’s time for me to move on. I’ve tried for years to change my feelings for him. To try and love him again. There is no solace in knowing that I’ve broken his heart and the hearts of my children. I’ve broken apart my family.

I’m not asking for pity or empathy. The only thing I ask for is understanding. I pray for it everyday.

In a week I will move out of our home and into a little one bedroom apartment. I will leave all that I’ve ever known. I have not lived on my own since 1989. People, it is 2013 and I am 45 years old. I’m scared as fuck but I’m ready.

I have so much shit to pack. All I really want to do is go to sleep, wake up and have it be next week. I’m tired of hurting myself and those around me. I don’t know how it works, this moving on without Roger Darling. This not talking to him everyday. He’s been my confidant, lover, and friend. I want us to continue being friends. To not be the normal ones that go our separate ways. We’ve never been much for normal anyway. Hell, we raised our children to be outspoken, rebellious and fearless. We tried to live our lives that way too. I guess I didn’t comprehend the memo though.

I’m hopeful that in time Roger and I will be able to meet for a cup of coffee and conversation.  I know we’ll talk mostly about our children and what they’re up to. Meggie, the teacher. Adam, the lawyer. Chris, the lumberjack. Claire, the scientist. But I hope we touch on the subject of our past life and how good it was for the most part. I’ll want him to know that although we are no longer together, I’ve never regretted being married to him.

It was my destiny to be Roger’s wife and Meggie and Adam Boy’s mother. Unfortunately, I have to change the end of the story and go it alone.

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Tunesday-Tiny Dancer, Adam Boy and Sublime Moments

Claire and Adam

Thanks La La for your tale of sublimity. I liked it so much I had to share one of mine.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted about my kids. They’ve been busy. I’ve been busy. This is about my Adam boy, the quiet one. I think this is my favorite photo of him and the  lovely Claire, his girlfriend. She is the daughter of my heart.

I remember a few months back, he participated in a talent contest. There he stood, this stoic but sarcastic young man. A spotlight lit his baby face and the music swelled around him. What emitted from his throat was raw emotion. I thought my Meggie could sing, but damn. His tone was pure. Pitch, perfect. There was no sliding up to the note. He just hit it!  His voice a sweet tenor, with a falsetto that when you hear it, makes the heart soar.

You know, I’m proud of my children. Their talent. Their brains. Their rebelliousness. Hell, just about everything.  That night, I was proud of my son’s ability to lay his heart open and bleed while singing the lyrics of an old Elton John tune. As his falsetto crescendoed, his father and I beamed at each other. I rested my head on Roger Darling’s chest and let tears spill down my cheeks. Our Meggie is classically trained and a talent in her own right. But our Adam Boy, he sings his emotions. They project from his body with every note he sings.

Hold me closer Tiny Dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today