Happy ‘Fucking’ Thursday my friends. May it be a good one.
Love, Sparkly Nee
Fuck 40. 40 can suck my dick!-Debbie-This is 40
As I tried to drag my tired ass out of bed this morning, all I could think about was the movie I watched last night. By myself of course, because Roger Darling had a stressful week. He’s recently been promoted to assistant manager at the direct care group home where he is employed. I have to say when Leslie Mann bemoaned the fact that 40 could suck her dick, I agreed completely. Of course, I’m now 45. That age can suck my dick too.
What the hell have I become but a hamster on a wheel? I have to work out for an hour to eat a cupcake. Hell, to even take a bite of a cupcake, and not have it go straight to my ass. Forget carbs. A woman my age can no longer even enjoy a fucking bagel without calculating how many miles she will have to run to burn off the calories. This sucks!
I sit here in my workout clothes waiting for RD to get home so I can trot my ass to the gym and run a couple of miles. Of course, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve done any kind of workout. I’ll probably keel over and die on the way home.
I miss the days when Diet Coke and a cigarette were dinner. If I did that now, my blood sugar would plummet and I’d end up in the ER. This getting older shit ain’t for sissies. I swear to you I’ve seen more wrinkles appear on my face in the last six month than I have in the past few years.
No more complaining. It’s time to get up off my ass and head to the gym. Drink more water and eat healthier too. Just once I’d like to go back in time and slap the 17 year old me and tell her to lighten up. To have more fun and run more. To go to college. Not to smoke! Don’t worry, I quit that habit years ago. I had to because I would lose my breath when doing the dirty, dirty, and no one wants that!!!!
I’m not looking for positive comments and ah grrrrlllll, you can do it pats on the back. I just wanted to bitch. As the title states, 45 can suck my dick!
Off to the fucking gym!
Beauty is truth’s smile when she beholds her own face in a perfect mirror. –Rabindranath Tagore
I stand in my bedroom and stare at my image in the full length mirror. I’m wearing my Victoria Secret bra and underwear. Just standing there. Staring. Knowing that I will be damned if I will stand in front of the mirror stark naked. I do that as little as possible.
As I look at myself I see all the flaws. I don’t see the pretty, almost wrinkle free face, the blue eyed, blonde goddess that people say I am. I see the sagging skin, the tiger stripes from having children, the deflated boobs from extreme weight loss.
I see the stretch marks from weighing 325 lbs over a year ago. I see the sagging skin under the upper arms, not the magnificent biceps that I’ve sculpted with weight training and lifting 100 lb. dogs at my grooming job. I see the empty skin of a stomach that used to protrude from being so obese. It’s now empty but will never really recover the muscles and shape from when I was young and thin. Not without surgery anyway. I refuse to have surgery. To alter the progress that I’ve made. It is my Badge of Honor. It reminds me of all of the incredible work that I’ve done. The progress I’ve made. The positive changes that have happened in my life in the last year.
I see dented skin on my inner thighs. Even with all the running, the exercise, the leg presses, they will never look like I want them to. But my calves, my calves they are exquisite. Those I’m proud of.
No, surgery is not for me. I’ll take the flaws. I’ve worked hard for the flaws. For in them there is beauty. In them there is strength. In them there is proof that I worked my ass off. Oh and I’ll make sure to wear a girdle, and pretty bras, and pretty corsets. For even though I live with these flaws, there are ways for me to still look ravishing……
Yesterday it seems I forgot to take my own advice… I make sure to tell everyone that I meet, that I know, that I love that you have a decision to make every morning when you wake up. You have the decision to be happy or be miserable. I usually choose to be happy. Yesterday I forgot that advice. I chose to be miserable. With that decision came sadness. Sadness that I hadn’t felt in awhile. It didn’t make me want to eat or drink alcohol. But it made me feel. It gave me an incredible moment of clarity. It made me realize that I have the capability to create my own destiny. So when I got home I did just that. I changed my destiny. I ran, and I ran, and I ran.
I ran further than I have before. Harder than I have before. I ran without my ipod. I just THOUGHT about EVERYTHING. About the entire year. The transformation I’ve made. The work that I’ve done. The changes I’ve made in myself. Not just the physical, but the mental changes too. I realized a few months ago that I had to get professional help. I transformed my body, but not my mind. My mind needed changing just as much as my body did. My heart will always be the same. I love, I hurt, and I feel more than the average person. I’m sparkly. I feel everything. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. So last night I just ran…..
I thought about not loving enough, loving too much, needing someone that doesn’t need me and not needing someone that really needs me. I realized I didn’t want to regress. I want to move forward. So I ran……
By the time I was done, Roger Darling was sitting in the lobby of the gym just waiting for me. He looked at me, sweating, out of breath, sparkling. He said, “Are you done yet”? I said, “Nope, gotta stretch out and do 100 ab crunches”. He just smiled and kept reading. That’s the beauty of that lovely man. He just lets me go. He knows I’ll come back to him when I’m ready.
Did the run change anything? No not really. But it made me feel fantastic. It made feel invincible. It made me realize it was time to make a decision. To walk away from the wrong one and make my way to the right one. So today I did just that. I do believe my life will never be the same. But it will be FANTASTIC!
“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
It’s September 22, 2011.
It’s been seven months.
97 lbs. gone.
There’s been some plateaus.
But I’m getting stronger, every day.
Did a crazy thing.
Got a new tat to celebrate this milestone.
The lovely dead girl, Sally from TNBC.
She is an atypical beauty.
Still dealing with sadness.
Trying to find my niche.
Trying to love this me.
This new skin.
Trying to love this simple little life…
With the weight loss comes new feelings.
Which I’m so scared to feel….
There is a still moment in time, a moment when our addictions no longer are able to hide the truth from us, and reality shows its true face, a point in life when everything breaks down, we are stripped from all our protective walls, we need to rid ourselves of our own destructive behaviors, say good bye to the old ways, the moment when we somehow have to choose between what our life is, and what we deeply want our life to be about…… That is when change begins. ~Will Rivera
August 24, 2011.
Look at that face.
Look at that smile.
Down 82 lbs and 21 inches.
Running sprints while walking 4 miles at a time.
Roger and I are rocking it!
We are following the Medical Weight Loss Plan to the letter.
But every once in awhile we add an ear of corn.
There’s nothing like Michigan sweet corn in the summer!
No drinking in 6 weeks.
What a major difference.
Life is better.
Trying to do everything I haven’t in 13 years.
A little manic, but mania can be good. 🙂
What can I do to quiet this tortured and anxious soul????
Write, sing, run?
There are no limitations anymore…..
There is no try, there is only do.–Yoda
It’s July 8, 2011.
Back from vacation.
Made it through the week without cheating.
Except for the alcohol.
But finally have decided to let it go.
No more excuses…..
Tired of being sick.
All the damn time.
Wonder of wonders, the weight comes off faster.
Down over 50 lbs.
Still dealing with sadness.
But happier, for the most part.
Feel horrible for disappointing Roger Darling.
Still loving him, but distancing myself from him…
Walking like crazy.
Feeling the urge to run.
In more ways than one.
“By changing nothing, nothing changes.” -Tony Robbins
It’s May 8, 2011.
Not even two months and so much has changed.
40 lbs. lost.
Still drinking, but hiding it well.
Or so I think.
Finding my smile.
Frustration with my life becoming more apparent.
Having moments of clarity.
Loving myself, in spite of me.
Worried about my relationship with Roger Darling.
But finding my way…..
And so is he.
Not A Damsel
Trying my hand at writing and photography
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I've Learned The Most Unlearning Everything I've Ever Known
Author, scriptwriter, theater director
Poetry, short essays and other work showcased by a Scientist, Philosopher, and Adventurer. Posts on Monday and First Fridays.