I Can’t Look at the Stars

I lit a fire with the love you left behind
It burned wild and crept up the mountainside
I followed your ashes into outer space
I can’t look out the window
I can’t look at this placeI can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars
Up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars

All those times we looked up at the sky
Looking out so far we felt like we could fly
Now I’m all alone in the dark of night
The moon is shining
But I can’t see the light

And I can’t look at the stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars
Up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you’ve gone too far
So I, I can’t look at the stars

Stars
Stars
They make me wonder where you are
Stars
Up on heaven’s boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you’ve gone too far
So I can’t look at the stars

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I See Heaven

Photo courtesy of Takenbytina ’12 (She said some people see a cloud. Some people see a masterpiece. Written below is what I told her I see.)

I see Heaven and hear God’s voice speak to me. He’s telling me that the souls of those that have gone before me are safe and waiting. When it’s my time, I will ascend and be free from sadness, sorrow and pain. That I will feel so much love and belonging, I will be overwhelmed by the joy of it. And I will know that every trial that I went through on Earth was worth the wait of Heaven.

Almost Heaven, West Virginia….

This Sparkly Girl slept the sleep of the dead and woke up in West Virginia. It’s as close to Heaven as you can get without being dead. I wrote down my thoughts in little snippets while I was on the road. Thoughts like all Beemer drivers are assholes! I’ve never had so many run ins with them as I have today. WTF is up with that? I don’t know how many there were on the road today but I think they either drove up my ass, swerved in front of me, or drove like a bat out of hell past me. Yeesh.

I thought about Tracy of course. I thought about how much she has inspired me with the pictures that she and her lovely husband have taken. She inspired my story of West Virginia in the Summer Time, The Conversation in the Rain, Sunrise, Coffee and Sanctuary, The Ghost of a Great Love (MY FAVORITE, BTW!!), and Then She Prays. The simple click of her shutter has made my heart sing and bring forth words from my head that I had no idea were in me. She is a published writer, and she knows the rush that I feel. She knows of the elation I feel when I get an idea in my head and want to write about it. I tried not to talk too much about it but I’m in the throes of ecstasy with writing right now.

I wrote every day this week. Longhand of course. My notebook is full of notes and little snippets. We’ll see what stories I come up with in all the little word doodles I made. I’ll give you a little sample of my thoughts on the drive today. It’s mostly music, shitty drivers, and what I spied with my little eye while driving. I’ll only give you a little taste tonight as I’m pretty damn tired.

I’m so glad to be back. Wink, wink.

First Day

Turnpike

Starbucks Dark Roast, five pumps caramel and room for cream and sweet and low, because I didn’t get much sleep. Excited.

Sia on the radio, I am Titanium. Thoughts of youth and Tracy. I wanted to be her when I was young. Beautiful, magnetic personality. and she didn’t take any shit. She was her own woman. Even as a teenager she was.

Munching on cantalope and making silly wishes.

…I’m bullet-proof, fire away, fire away. I am Titanium…

Now P!nk is telling me I’m fucking perfect.

If only I was.

The stick families on rear windshields annoy the shit out of me. Maybe because my kids are all grown up and I can’t have one.

I see scads of rock face on either side of the highway as I travel through hills that will soon become mountains.

See the Cleveland River.

The clouds are like fluffy down comforters. I want to pull them from the sky, wrap myself in them and sleep.

I hear Ramble On by Led Zeppelin. And in the darkest depths or Mordor, I met a girl so fair. That’s where I’m headed to see my fair haired friend. My split apart. It’s been 28 damn years!

I missed the chance to take a picture of the Pennsylvania sign. SHIT!

Asshole in an Audi passes everyone in the far right lane. Why is there never a cop when you need one?

Butterfly Boucher and David Bowie start singing about Changes. Ch, ch, ch, ch, changes. Turn and face the strange changes.

(Cont’d tomorrow, this girl is spent, night.)

On the Edge of Glory, The Real Story

Another shot before we kiss the other side
Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby
I’m on the edge of something final
We call life tonight, alright, alright

Put on your shades ’cause I’ll be dancing in the flames
Tonight, yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby
It isn’t hell if everybody knows my name

 It is the story of a couple’s love ending in this realm and moving into eternity. It is the story of Lady Gaga’s grandmother watching her husband (Gaga’s grandfather), the love of her life die in front of her. They had been married for many years, and were completely devoted to each other. She held him, gave him her love and care for the last time. And then let him go. Lady Gaga, and her grandparents believe, that their love will continue in Heaven.

It was so interesting to hear Gaga speak so passionately about the love that her grandparents felt for each other. She is so incredibly family-oriented. She’s quirky, funky and weird. But her music speaks to me. It was nice to hear her speak in a recent ABC interview about this song. That it wasn’t about two lovers getting it on for the first time. It went so much deeper than that. I knew I liked her for a reason. I think she’s brilliant, bold, funny, and fiery. She’s not beautiful, but that’s okay. In her own way she is. When she sings, she is. And when I heard her explanation for writing this particular song, I loved and admired her even more. The next time I heard the song after the interview, I was awestruck by the words. They took on a completely different meaning. I identified with it even more.

I am a woman that has been married for over 23 years to a man that is ten years older than me. I know that I will one day stand on my Edge of Glory with him. Unless I get some terminal disease, or get hit by a bus, he will most likely die before me. I know that I will stand on the Edge of Glory, hold him close, and send him home. I don’t fear death much anymore. It’s because of Roger, and the life we’ve lived. He’s taught me not to fear it. He’s taught me that life is to be celebrated. So I will stand  on that Edge, I will hold him for as long as I can, and then I will let him go. For I know that when it is my time to crossover, he will be waiting for me, to love me for eternity.